The 10 secrets of successful leadership: Secret Number 9 – Focus on similarities instead of differences

We are used to focus on (negative) differences and argue about those. This behavior is ususally leading to conflicts amongst people (e.g. leader and team) and even wars amongst countries, but it never leads to progress and success! If you really want to succeed it makes much more sense to focus on similarities instead of differences, because usually much more is similar than different.

In an interview in 2003 with Victor Yalom, Insoo Kim Berg said : “I think too many people talk about culture/ethnicity as being a bigger difference than is necessary. [...] I have a lot of gripes about the way that cultural differences are talked about in this country. My main gripe has to do with emphasizing the differences between cultures—what is different between you and me, instead of talking about what is similar between you and me. That we are all human beings with the same aspirations, same needs, same goals. When I look at those things, it’s very easy to translate. It’s the same everywhere you go. Everyone wants to be accepted, validated, supported, loved, and to belong to a community. That’s not different at all, no matter where you go. It’s a different way of belonging to the group, but that’s a small difference. But even among the same culture, like among the white middle class, there’s so many variations. Just because you went to college and I went to college doesn’t mean we came from the same kind of families. Even some Jewish families, some Korean families are so different. So I think too many people talk about culture/ethnicity as being a bigger difference than is necessary. I feel very comfortable no matter what culture I go. I just look at you as another human being rather than I am this group and you are that group. I think it’s very divisive. So that’s my main gripe. People ask me, “Aren’t you feeling discriminated against because you’re Asian, and a woman?” I think “so what?” Some people get discriminated against for being too short, too tall, too blond. So what? It’s not that different from any of those things. I don’t really pay attention to that.” (http://bit.ly/9VQv3h - thanks to Coert Visser who mentioned this interview lately)

Insoo Kim Berg was not only very successful in creating and spreading the solution focused approach, but was also very much appreciated as loving and caring person. And last but not least, people where following her! Where she went, the doors were usually open.

So tell me, what are you focussing on the next time before you argue with someone?